Why Friends and Family Sabotage Your Life

In my practice, after a client’s first session they are excited to have some ‘New Direction”. They have a plan and are ready to go home and share it with family and friends. The problem with that is most people, well-meaning or not, dislike change. When it is someone they care about, their first line of defense is to criticize what they are doing. They will tell them they don’t need to change, or that they have failed so many times in the past, why do they think it’s going to work this time? This is only their distorted version of reality, not the person who is in the process of changing.

 When a client tells me they feel ‘defeated’ (usually in the second session) I know words can have different meanings for each person. It could mean they are finished and want to stop the process, but more often it means that that they are feeling ‘deflated’ and need some emotional CPR. That is why it’s so important to hire someone who has the knowledge to understand the feelings behind the words.

I think most people are surprised at how often friends and family unknowingly will attempt to sabotage your efforts. They will do everything they can to keep you tied in with your old self in order to protect themselves from having to change. Change is scary for a lot of people.

Here are four basic types of behavior that I learned about from Dr. McGraw years ago.

1.       Overprotection.  The underlying message here is fear. “I don’t want to see you get hurt” or  “You are setting yourself up for failure again”. This pattern is very dangerous because it’s disguised as love and concern. Be very aware of their motives.

2.       Power Manipulation. In this type of sabotage, people will attempt to take away your personal power by talking to you like a child. They may say something like: “Who told you that going back to school was a good idea? You are too old.” Or,” Don’t be stupid and throw your life away by changing jobs”. This is a power manipulation move.

3.       Leveling. This is a way that people who feel inadequate will try to ‘level’ the playing field by bringing your down.  Your success poses a threat to them and they will sabotage you anyway they can.

4.       Safety in Status Quo.   People are comfortable with circumstances that they know, even if it’s not ideal. A change for the better is still a change, and a threat to what’s familiar and the status quo. These behaviors are usually subconscious and FEAR is the motivation behind it.

If you want to change your patterns of behavior and move beyond the toxicity in your life here are a few suggestions.

First and foremost, don’t get in your own way. What I mean by that is ‘Stealth Sabotaging” is something that we are all very good at. So don’t say you want one thing, and then go about doing everything you can to ensure it doesn’t come to fruition.

Drop the blame game. The “ He/She doesn’t understand me”, ship has left the dock. Let it sink. They don’t need to know why you are doing what you’re doing, just how to support you. It may seem obvious that going to eat pizza is not the best idea for someone trying to lose weight, so you need to speak up.  Tell everyone how they can support you, don’t assume that they know. If you feel someone is sabotaging your efforts, then think about how you would like to be supported and be clear and direct.

Make the changes you want the world to see. If you quit smoking, declare that you are now a non-smoker. In psychology they refer to this as boundary selection. You have purposefully made a decision based on what you want, regardless of anyone else’s opinion. You have the final say. Done deal!

And last but not least, if none of the above work, your last option is to change the situation. Either take a look at your decision, and perhaps make some minor adjustments with your goals to make them little less threatening, or change your tribe. That means surround yourself with supportive people instead of those who are trying to sabotage you.

It’s your life, and in the end, the only person who has the final decision over your thoughts, feelings and emotions is you, so make them ones you won’t regret. 

Can a Belief Change in an Instant? By Linda McCarthy Ph.D

Can a Long Term Belief Change in an Instant?

I often get asked the question by clients: “So how long is it going to take me to change my beliefs?” For some reason, people think that I can give them a designated amount of time, and then at that point, poof, the issue will be resolved. The reality is that YOU and only you can determine how long that will take. Ultimately a belief is changed when you determine that you are ready for the story to end. Some of us hold onto our stories for days, others weeks or months, and still others hold onto them for years. They become such an integral part life that when I ask the question: “Who would you be without your story?” the response that I usually hear is:  “I have no idea”.
I know for myself, years ago I held onto a belief (which is usually someone else’s perception that we claim as truth) that if I got pregnant I would never be the same size again. I was told that story by new mothers who obviously had that experience, and that was their belief. I never took into consideration that I too was able to have my own experience separate from theirs.
After the birth of my daughter, I vowed to get back to my original weight by 6 weeks, and I did. I was wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes and people were amazed. I also had acquired an abdominal hernia from starting sit ups too soon, but that was a small price to pay for proving everyone wrong. Fast forward 9 months later,  and I was once again pregnant, this time with my son.  I was told that because my pregnancies were so close together, that my body wouldn't have time to recover and I might as well give my clothes to Goodwill. After he was born I began my regime and worked out even harder, 2-3 hours a day while the babies were sleeping. Anyone who has a newborn knows that you are sleep deprived, so I lived on caffeine which also suppressed my appetite.
I was once again back down to my original weight by 6 weeks, but something started to happen. I thought I still didn't look thin enough, so just a few more pounds. A few became 5, which became 10, until I was in the 90 lb. range. People began to tell me I was now too thin, which was music to my ears. I felt I had won that battle but ultimately, I was losing the war, the war with my body.
I had no idea the damage I was doing to my body at the time. All I knew was that I had entered the doors of anorexia, and it was closing behind me. No matter what anyone said, all I could think about was not letting go of my story which had been ingrained in my mind.
Then one day I took my children to see their pediatrician. He asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was great, never felt better, and was relieved that he didn't say anything about my weight. He gave them their checkups but as I was leaving he said something that changed my life. He said “Can you do me a favor? Go home and give your kids all the love you can. Write them letters take lots of pictures and videos. Because at the rate you are going, your body is going to cannibalize itself for protein and you will die. They are going to call someone else Mommy when your husband remarries.” He hugged me and left the room.
I stood there stunned, and my beliefs changed in that instant. I knew that I didn't want anyone else to raise my children, and I needed to change my life in order to make that happen. That was 26 years ago.
The only person who could ultimately alter the course of my life was me, but he held a mirror up to my face, and I didn't like the reflection staring back. If I’d had someone to hold me accountable for my actions, perhaps things would have been very different.  That is why I am so passionate about what I do. I want people to understand that by letting go of an old pattern or belief that no longer serves them, a whole new way of life can emerge from the shadows and illuminate your way. Let go of your story, and find out who you really are!

Until next time~

The Side Effects of Being Happy

                                         

Ralph Waldo Emerson said " For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness",
This is such a profound statement, and so true.

Do you know that children smile on an average of 300-400 times a day, and adults average 20,
and that there are over 60 books written on the art of being happy? When did we forget how to be
happy?

Happiness researchers ( yes there are happiness researchers) define happiness as " The overall
appreciation for your life". What that translates into is: Do you live with enthusiasm, or is everyday
just another day?

What researchers found was that happier people lived longer more productive lives, sometimes up
to 10 years longer. And even when they were sick, their recovery time was significantly faster, even
from heart surgery, fractures, and strokes.

Martin Seligman, who is the author of 'Learned Optimism', studies optimism and the effects it has
on health and longevity. What he found was that the pessimist view most situations in their life that were negative as permanent, the norm. Whereas, those who were more optimistic, saw negative situations
as speed bumps, or temporary. In following both groups for a number of years, what Seligman found was that by the age of 45, those who were more pessimistic, were already less healthy, and by age 60, had
significantly higher bouts of illness, and twice as many infectious diseases because their immune system
was compromised. That's why it is so important to listen to your inner voice. We are talking to ourselves all day long, and on average, have about fifty thousand thoughts a day. So think about this quote by Robert Allen: " No thought lives in your mind, rent free". I love that quote. There is a price to pay for every thought that enters your mind, good or bad.

Did you know that our immune system depends on the signals it receives from the brain? When we are in a state of joy and happiness we release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and nitric  oxide, and these have amazing effects on our body when we are happy.

Dopamine is synthesized deep in the brain, and when released, it gives you that feeling of pleasure. It makes people more talkative, excitable. Oxytocin, is known as the 'cuddle hormone', and is released when you are cuddling your child, or falling in love. Its a bonding hormone. A wonderful side effect of oxytocin, is that it also reduces inflammation in your body and stimulates the release of endorphins, which is called ' Natures Morphine'. Endorphins are released by the pituitary gland, when you are exercising ( like the runners high),
making love, or anytime you are excited. It also releases nitric oxide, which is a very powerful vasodilator.
This increase blood flow and allows for a continuance of blood in organs where it may have been previously restricted. And last, but certainly not least, is serotonin. This hormone helps maintain that ' happy feeling', and seems to keep our moods under control by calming anxiety, and even mild depression.

These are all natures chemicals, and studies have shown that our mood has a significant effect on either turning on or turning off these chemicals. When we are happier, our body has time to heal and self-repair. Now I am not saying by just being happy all the time you aren't going to be sick, but I would rather bathe my body in healthy chemicals, than those that are caused by stress. That is what I teach my clients to do, change their perception, because when you change your perception, you change your reality.

One study that I found fascinating was conducted by The University of California San Francisco, and published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology. What they found was that those with strong friendships, had much higher levels of health inducing hormones, than those who did not. In fact, the data showed that friendships ranked even higher than spouses, because issues like money, child rearing, and infidelity can interfere in the spouse to spouse relationship. Whereas, deep friendships are there to emotionally support you through good times and bad.

I have a friend who is Greek, and he was telling me that when he goes back to Greece, his parents who are in their late 70's, don't even begin socializing until after 10 pm and it goes well into the the early morning
hours. It isn't uncommon to live into the 90's and even 100!!  In fact, the New York Times wrote an article about a Greek Island called 'Ikaria', and it is known as ' The island where people forget to die'.

They have much lower levels of heart disease, cancer, dementia and maintain very healthy sexual lives well into their 70's and 80's without pharmaceuticals. They use herbs and food like watermelon which contains citrulline. Citrulline is converted into arginine which produces nitric oxide and that is the power vaso-dilator I talked about earlier. And we all know areas of the body that need healthy blood flow to perform at optimal levels!!

So nurture your friendships, laugh as often as you can, find something to be grateful for, and smile. It will do your body good!

If you would like more information, go to my website and under the 'Resources' tab, and there will be a wonderful article by Dr. Wayne Dyer entitled " The 7 secrets of Happiness".

Until next time.....

Can Stress Give You A Heart Attack?

I ask my clients all the time, " What are the side effects of being you?", and the majority of them
look at me like I have two heads. So I re-frame the question and ask: " If an alien wanted to take
over your body for the day, what emotions would they experience?"
Well, that brought a whole host of answers, with the top five being : Anger, Resentment, Frustration,
Hurt, and Exhaustion. I didn't see a lot of love, joy, happiness, and compassion.

The reason this is so important, is because researchers at Duke University did a study in 2004
that showed people who were otherwise considered healthy, but prone to anger, hostility,
and experienced high levels of stress, produced a higher level of a substance that promotes
cardiovascular disease and stroke.

This substance is called C-Reactive Protein. It's produced by the liver in response to inflammation,
and inflammation has recently been shown to underlie the plaque that forms inside arteries as they clog.

Duke was one of the first universities to link this combination of negative psychological responses
with higher levels of CRP in people without traditional risk factors for heart disease.

People with traditional risk factors for heart disease like obesity, smoking, diabetes, hypertension,
high cholesterol and a sedentary lifestyle, are more likely to have elevated levels of CRP,  however,
a large number of individuals without any identifiable causation , but had anger issues, had levels
two to three times higher than someone who described themselves as laid back or easy going.

Blood samples were taken from 121 otherwise healthy individuals with no known history or pre existing
condition of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, or smoking. They were analyzed and
researcher found that those who displayed negative responses were producing much higher levels
of CRP than their counterparts. Dr. Suarez of Duke who conducted the study stated: " Our findings
suggest that the development of heart disease may also be due to psychological attributes that
activate the inflammatory process. And as we all know, most diseases in the body start out as minor
inflammation."

So next time you get your blood checked, if you are concerned, you might want to consider asking your doctor to check your CRP levels as well. Ask for the more sensitive HS-CRP test, which is more accurate in determining a persons risk factor for heart disease.

The bottom line is this. We are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and emotions and as Dr. Lissa
Rankin said " We write our own prescription". That means we are able to control what chemicals
we  produce, positively or negatively, and our body will react accordingly. Take control of your
emotions, find tools like deep breathing, taking a walk, or even just begin to focus on what is right
in front of you, and name it. That will get you back into the moment, and not allow your mind to
go into a state of high stress. As silly as simple as that sounds, it works because it brings you back into the NOW.

You are the chemist of your body, so mix up some love, joy, and happiness and your body will
thank you for it.

Until next time~
Dr. Linda McCarthy Ph.D
www.newdirectioncoaching.com

Can you write your own Rx?

Did you know that your body responds to your thought pattern? Every emotion ( E=energy in motion), sends a signal to the cells in your body to respond.

We have over 50 trillion cells in our body and according to Dr. Bruce Lipton: “Receptors are molecular “antennas” that recognize environmental signals. Some receptor antennas extend inward from the membrane’s cytoplasmic face. These receptors “read” the internal milieu and provide awareness of cytoplasmic conditions. Other receptors extending from the cell’s outer surface provide awareness of external environmental signals.”

What does that mean? It means that the cells are in effect, responding to your thoughts. In our best-selling book “ The Wellness Code”, I wrote about how your cells are listening  to your emotions and saying, “Your Wish Is My Command”. 

When you encounter perceived threats your hypothalamus, a tiny region at the base of your brain, sets off an alarm system in your body. Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals, this system prompts your adrenal glands, located atop your kidneys, to release a surge of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. That is what it is designed to do, however, we are in a perceived threat modality all day long, be it the traffic jam, stress at the office, at home, or even listening to the news.  Our bodies never have time to power down and regroup, therefore, the cells are in a protective mode unable to grow and flourish. That basically slows down the immune system, and we are susceptible to dis-ease in our body.  

When you understand that you are your own chemist, and can control the hormones in your body, you can then make the ‘CHOICE’ to react differently, or in other words, change your perception of any given situation. When you change your perception, you change your reality. Your body then has the ability to return to growth and heal itself naturally. 

There are a number of things you can do to take care of your body. One is deep belly breathing. This helps calm your central nervous system. Ask yourself “ Is this true?” Many times we exaggerate a situation and the reality is not nearly as bad as our perception. Listen to your body. What does it need?  Do you need to stretch, to hydrate yourself, or have an attitude check?   Your body doesn't know the difference between reality and imagination and endorphins will automatically pump into your body when you smile, so find something or someone to smile about.

 Remember you are the chemist of your body, you make the cortisol and adrenaline,   and your perception of any situation is going to determine the outcome of your health. You literally  are writing your own Rx Which mean YOU are in control, and I think that’s kind of cool. Only 5-8% of disorders are genetic, the other 92-95%   is environmental, and that means you hold the key to how your body is going to respond, either in love or in fear, and both have very different outcomes. Let go of that old story, and start a new chapter.

What Happened to the Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer?

Ahh, summer is just around the corner. It's June and the warmer weather is finally here. The flowers are in bloom, the kids are either out of school or counting the days, and you are ready to enjoy your vacation. Summer is the time to relax, let go, and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Or is it?

With every electronic device imaginable, we are in constant communication 24/7. According to recent studies, we check our messages no less than every 6 minutes. Are you that important, are you on call, or is it that you have this NEED to be needed?  We are on information overload!

We have lost our ability to just shut down. I had a conversation with someone who was telling me how stressed she was and that she needed to decompress. I suggested a warm bath, some candles, maybe a glass of wine, and some relaxing music. She called me to tell me that she had everything in place and was ready to go. Realistically speaking ,we shouldn't have to prepare days ahead to take a relaxing bath. Most of us have at least one bathtub, some candles laying around, and of course our music. But the one thing that she insisted on bringing into the bath with her was her phone. She couldn't be unplugged from the outside world for 30 minutes without feeling serious anxiety. She said " What if something happens and I miss  the call?" I asked her if she had Voice Mail  and she laughed. The idea of being 'unplugged' from the world for only 30 minutes was a scary thought for her. She did it, and after a few minutes and a couple of sips of wine, she was able to just enjoy or live In-Joy for the moment. The realization that she could actually turn off her phone and survive, which sounds silly, but very real for her, was a victory. Now she schedules weekly decompression sessions with herself, without the phone. Even when we are supposedly not working, we are still available.
Cells phones have become the new accessory and all you have to do is look at a restaurant. More people are having a relationship with their phone, than the person sitting beside them.

Our bosses now how the ability to contact us via text messages, phone calls and emails anytime they want. How is that a break from the workplace? It isn't like you can just say " I wasn't home to get the call". We carry our phones with us everywhere. I even have heard women having a conversation in the bathroom at an airport the other day.

There was a study done in 1987 by the Dept. of Labor collecting statistics on the number of deaths by overworking. There is term for it. It is called -karoshi. In Japan the average work day is about 12 hours, and you are considered a good corporate soldier if you don't take vacations, sick days, and work over time. Some employees capped out at over 95 hours of work each week. This is the norm, and tens of thousands of Japanese citizens are dying each years from overwork and it was going unnoticed.  But why should we be concerned about that, after all, it's in Japan. Well, it's not only the Japanese who are dying from overworked conditions. Oxford Health Plan found that one in five Americans come to work sick, injured, or on medication prescribed that day. As far as vacation is concerned, over a third of U.S.  employees don't take their paid vacations which averages 14 days, compared to 26 days for the British, 37 for the French. In addition to that, the U.S. is the only country  that doesn't mandate vacation. Why are we so afraid to leave our desks? Do you think someone else will do a better job? Will your position be gone when you get back? Even on the beaches of California, I saw a good number of people with their laptops, working diligently instead of joining their family for some fun in the sun.

In fact, there is a 12 step program called Workaholics Anonymous, to help with all the stressors. Our body is bombarded with stress hormones all day long and eventually it's going to break down. It may start out as a minor inconvenience like a stress headache, or tight shoulders, but if we don't pay attention, the whisper will eventually become a scream for help. The inconveniences become illnesses like cancer, strokes, or heart attacks because we aren't LISTENING to our body. By ignoring our inner intelligence, we are dis-empowering ourselves, and not honoring our spirit.

Instead of going to the doctors office for a prescription, wouldn't it be great if they prescribed doing the work that you love as treatment for your illness. Finding a career that fulfills you , could possibly prevent or reverse the issues going on within your body. And this applies to the people that you surround yourself with as well. Are you being sucked dry by Energy Vampires?

Here's a secret. You teach people how to treat you, so you need to re-train them. Stand in your power,
not from an egotistical perspective, but out of love for yourself and your spirit.

I'm not talking about just walking away from your job if you can't financially do it right now, but start researching what you would love to do. If you could wake up every morning excited about work, what would that look like? Find an outlet for your creativity, and release it. Its all about you and making your soul happy. I love to dance around my family room, with the music blaring and singing at the top of my lungs. If you saw me you would double over in laughter ( and that is healing as well) but for me, its therapeutic. I am a pretty good dancer, and a terrible singer, but here's the thing, WHO CARES?

Honor who you are, you are loved, and when you are able to love yourself, you can give love to others without expectations. After all, love is the only imprint we leave when we depart this world. Nothing more.

So dance, sing, ask you spirit what it needs, and most of all LISTEN to the whispers.

Until next time~

Love Is In The Air

                               Happy May Day or Beltane. 

Today is May 1st and everywhere I look, babies are being born. I have 13 quail eggs in a planter in my backyard, and I can't wait for them to hatch. 

The flowers are blooming, new life is being born, a time of renewal, and love is in the air. 

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with a professional Matchmaker, and our conversation was quite interesting. She told me that so many of her clients are looking for love in all the wrong places ( anyone remember that song?) In case you don't here is a link to the song.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAyDmJvjxbg . These television shows that portray the perfect woman as tall, thin, under 30 and usually blonde, are what the men over 40 are looking for as their ideal mate. Not that there is anything wrong with being tall, blonde, thin and under 30, but for men over 40, they are thinking with the wrong part of their body. They keep coming back to her, disappointed that there was no 'love connection'. Of course there isn't, they are in different stages in their life. If you are only looking for arm candy or a sugar daddy, then they will fit together like a hand in a glove. But if you are looking for a partner, someone that you can share you life with, then you are looking in the wrong direction.

 

Now women, well they are looking for 'Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome'. I had to laugh when she told me  that the men her female clients ( again over 40) were looking for, had to be around 6 ft tall, great body, full head of hair, made over $200,000 and had little to no baggage. Talk about a tall order! I have yet to meet any man over 40 who doesn't have any baggage. It's called life!

I decided to sit down and write this blog about finding real love. Of course they need to be physically attractive to you initially, but the real attraction comes from within. I know you have heard that before, but if you are honest with yourself, you know that it's a true statement. So before you throw the baby out with the bathwater, I would ask you to think about this question. What are your three non-negotiables?

That's right, the three things that will make or break a relationship no matter how tall, handsome or beautiful someone is. 

One of mine is smoking. I can't be around anyone who smokes. The smell irritates my eyes, my lungs, and to be honest, they smell like tobacco. I personally don't find that appealing. So for me, that is a non- negotiable. 

Too many singles out there have set the bar so high, it's impossible for them to meet anyone that has the potential to be perfect for them. When you are only looking for 10's, you are bypassing the 7's and 8's that could be your soul mate. What I am finding in my practice, is that FEAR is the reason they sabotage themselves. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, and fear of opening their heart. They want love so badly, but yet the fear is holding them back. 

Now that love is in the air, I am asking you to step outside your box, feel the fear and do it anyway. Make a list of your three, and only three non-negotiables, otherwise you will have a list a mile long. What does love look like to you now? Don't go back and lament over the past. That is over, and the future is not promised to you. You are a new person every single day. In fact, your cells are dying and new ones are born every second in your body, so you really are a new person. What does love look like for you right now? Really think about that question, and then don't be afraid to go out and find it. 

If you need help in negotiating the waters, I am here for you. Email me or give me a call. I always give 15 min free consultations or will answer you emails as soon as possible. 

May is a time for renewal. So I hope you will renew your life, live in joy, happiness, health, and of course IN LOVE.

Until next time....